Divorce can leave you feeling like nearly every part of your life is changing at once.
Your family may look different. Your finances may feel uncertain. Your home, relationships, routines, and even your sense of identity may be shifting. At the same time, you are being asked to make important decisions that could affect your future for years to come.
It can be overwhelming.
As a divorce coach, and as someone who has walked through divorce myself, I know how easy it is to look at everything that needs to be figured out and wonder, “How am I supposed to do all of this?”
You don’t have to figure it all out today.
Over the years, both through my own adversity and my work with clients, I’ve developed a simple framework for moving through difficult seasons:
BOLD: Believe. Own. Lead. Do.
Being BOLD doesn’t mean being fearless. It doesn’t mean pretending your divorce isn’t painful or forcing yourself to be strong every day, but it means finding your footing and learning how to take the next step.
B — Believe You Will Get Through This
When you’re in the middle of divorce, your mind naturally wants answers. Will I be financially okay? What will happen to our home? How will this affect my children? Can I support myself? What will co-parenting look like? Will I ever feel like myself again?
Those are important questions, and you probably won’t have all the answers right away.
That’s where Believe begins.
Not with believing everything will work out exactly the way you want it to, but with one simple belief, that you are going to get through this.
If that feels too big today, make it smaller. I can get through today. I can handle this meeting. I can ask the next question. I can take the next step. You don’t need to see the entire path before you begin walking. Belief can start with trusting yourself enough to take one step.
O — Own What Is Yours
Divorce can consume an incredible amount of energy, especially when your attention becomes focused on what the other person is, or isn’t, doing.
What did they say? Why aren’t they responding? What are they telling the children? What are they going to do next? What do they think about me? One of the most important things you can learn during divorce is how to bring your attention back to what you can control.
I often use a simple two-circle exercise with clients. Draw a circle and write IN MY CONTROL inside it. Around that circle, create a larger one labeled OUT OF MY CONTROL.
Inside your circle might be: Your response. Your boundaries. Your preparation. The questions you ask. The professionals you choose. The information you gather. How you communicate. Where you put your energy. Whether you ask for help.
Outside your circle might be: Your ex’s behavior. What other people think. How quickly the process moves. The past. Someone else’s choices, and ultimately, many of the outcomes you’re worrying about today.
The things outside your control still matter. You simply have to be honest about where your power ends. When you find yourself ruminating on something, ask, Is this mine to carry?
If it is, decide what action you can take. If it isn’t, practice putting it down. Below is an image of this practice.
L — Lead Yourself Through It
You may not think of yourself as a leader while you’re going through divorce. However, you are leading yourself through one of the biggest transitions of your life. If you have children, they’re watching how you navigate it too.
Leading by example doesn’t mean pretending you’re okay. Your children can see you sad. They can know something is difficult. They can see that you’re human.
What matters is what they see you do with those emotions. Can you feel angry without allowing anger to make every decision? Can you be afraid and still gather information? Can you have a difficult interaction with your co-parent without immediately reacting? Can you ask for help when you need it? Can you acknowledge that something is hard and then ask, What can I do now?
Your children don’t need a perfect parent walking through divorce. They need a parent who shows them what resilience looks like.
The same is true for you. Before a difficult meeting, mediation, attorney call, or conversation, ask yourself, How do I want to show up? You may not control what happens in that room, but you can decide what you bring into it.
D — Do the Next Thing
This is where BOLD turns into action.
Divorce can create decision fatigue. When everything feels important, it’s easy to become so overwhelmed that you do nothing. So stop trying to solve the entire divorce today.
Instead think about what is the next thing I can do? Maybe you need to gather financial documents. Schedule a consultation with an attorney. Meet with a financial professional. Create a list of questions. Review your budget. Set a communication boundary. Take a walk. Call someone you trust. Or simply decide that you’ve done enough for today and need to rest.
Small actions count. One of the things I tell my clients often is that knowledge breeds confidence. You may begin this process feeling like you don’t know enough to make decisions. That’s okay. Gather information. Ask questions. Build the right professional team. Understand your options. Then take the next step.
Action builds confidence because every time you do something you didn’t think you could do, you create evidence that you are capable of doing the next thing too. One small step at a time will build momentum.
You Don’t Have to Be BOLD All at Once
There will be days when you feel strong. There will also be days when you cry in your car. Days when you second-guess yourself. Days when you feel angry. Days when you’re tired of talking about divorce and simply want your life back. Those days don’t mean you’re going backward.
You can be scared and still be brave. You can cry and still move forward. You can need help and still be strong. You can have a hard day and still lead. What has happened will always be part of your journey, but it does not have to define who you are. It is helping shape who you are becoming.
So when the entire road feels too big, come back to BOLD:
- Believe: I am going to get through this.
- Own: What is mine to carry?
- Lead: How do I want to show up?
- Do: What is the next thing I can do?
You don’t need all the answers today. You just need your next step. Be BOLD.